okay i won’t go to pass that final exam this week. I have two options: study while I feel really bad and increase my suffering or try to get better and pass that exam on February. I’m done with everything, I have no strength, no patience, no energy, the acid reflux is killing me.. I’m crying and all I want to do is cry. Why everything has to be so difficult for many of us..? I want to have a normal life, a normal quality of life you know, do normal stuff, but I can’t. Everything I want is so far away from me and I feel I’m disappointing myself all the time.
Please let yourself be proud of small things. Please do that. Please allow yourself to get really excited about playing a video game well or sending an ask you were nervous about or letting a bug outside or peeling the whole orange in one try. Please get so excited about that. Please. That’s so cool I’m so glad you did it.
I wish my friends and family could understand the magnitude of this exhaustion..
guys i really feel i can’t do it, i cannot concentrate in my studies because my gut doesn’t stop making weird sounds and it hurts and it occupies my mind, idk i’m ruined i have to study for this final which is in 6 days ahhh i hate my life sometimes! all i want to do is go to the toilet and lay on my bed
jeez all the trip to college by bus was awful.. I was like “should I come back to home and go to the toilet? Or should I try to hang on?” this with an unbearable pain
I’m being ironical, obviously. Seriously I don’t know how to deal with some people anymore. Close, really close people. Today my grandma called my mum and I picked up the phone. To put this in context, when I got sick she never believed in what was happening with me, she thought I was just doing the drama queen scene and I had a diarrhea and nothing more. She never believed me, never. Last year my UC got so severe and I was hospitalized and bla bla bla, and I thought she understood a little, ‘coz she seemed worried. Well, today she asked me how I am doing, and I said to her: “fine. but with some pain” and she replied this “Why you are always complaining instead of living life? If you think about pain all the time, you only get pain, you sound like my aunt (her aunt is 90 years old), each time I ask her is she fine, she says not”. WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO SEE TO BELIEVE THAT I HAVE A DISEASE???? I’m not just a disease, I try to live with this and this is so fucking difficult. How a person can be that mean with a child who is her grandaughter? How? Knowing that I’ve been hospitalized many times. Knowing that I had many, MANY, invasive procedures, Knowing that I take a medication that says in its prescription that has to be managed by a oncologist. Knowing that I cry myself to sleep coz I can’t bear the pain. I told my mom about this and she said me “You know how your grandmother is, you’re aware of what she can say if you tell her about that”
Translation: so if you’re invisible ill and you’re surrounded by idiots (sorry grandma but I’m tired of your shit), you have to SHUT YOUR MOUTH and swallow what you think or what you feel because it’s YOUR fault and they don’t understand. THEY DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND, THEY DON’T OPEN THEIR EYES. THEY DON’T WANT TO GET INFORMED AND THEY DON’T WANT TO SUPPORT. I know it’s not related but I want to illustrate my opinion: so if you’re gay, you can’t say to people you’re gay because they will get upset and they won’t understand so better shut up, because IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING GAY. What the fuck people, you’re totally wrong. I’m sick of your shit, I don’t know what makes me sicker: if your totally lack of sense and kindness or the Ulcerative Colitis..
Sorry for the long story, but I have to express myself. I’m so annoyed. And sad.
Strong pain in my bowel today plus pain in my legs.. i came back to home after I went for an x-ray of my chest.. i was in so much pain so I lied on my mum’s bed and I fell asleep for an hour instead of studying… took a celecoxib for the pain and it didn’t help so much. I wanted to go and buy something sweet to eat but I couldn’t, so my Mum made me homemade pancakes! they were so yummy and proper for my bowel because they don’t have nothing that can harm it more although I’m still on pain. Pancakes are one of the few things I like these days.
She’s wonderful, I don’t know what I could do without her. She helps me everyday with everything, she listens to my complains, she believes in me. I admire her so much, I sometimes feel so bad because she was diagnosed with breast cancer last April. She had a surgery and harsh chemo and she went on through that awful disease and she’s fine and recovering! It makes me sad sometimes when I remember how worried she was about me through this year with all the health problems I had. She’s incredible and she has an admirable strength. When I feel down and without hope, I think about her and I find all the motivation I need you know.
But It’s hard to not feel like a load for your loved ones when you have a chronic condition. Specially when they have their own serious problems.